i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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