Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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