people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
