Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
please come you make the beer taste better
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
