I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
