Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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