sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
