Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
