can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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