Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
