just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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