All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
