Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
