if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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