fuck your aforementioned shoe
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
