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doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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