If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
