My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
