I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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