Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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