my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize