Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
