fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
