Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
