you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
