Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
