A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just gargled with NyQuil
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
