NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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