He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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