How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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