elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
