I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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