I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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