A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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