His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
God, I missed his penis.
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