I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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