That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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