I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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