Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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