the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
