..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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