Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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