Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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