In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
