just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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