I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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