Pappa wants mamma naked
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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