i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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