I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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