I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My ass is underappreciated
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I want is dick and wine.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
