70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
