last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
