I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Randomize
