I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
