Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize