Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
