i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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