dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I want to fling myself into the sun
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
