and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
