who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
